PEASEASON breakdown EXPLOSION NFC south

(Breesus doesn't give a fuck. But you should)
New Orleans Saints:
The Saints are the only team not to play in an actual city. Instead they play in a loosely organized pile of rubble inhabited by rocks, shell fish and black people. I had written a moving story about the reconstruction of New Orleans and last years Superbowl when i was down in the big easy but it was stolen along with everything else i own( lets just say I'm not blaming the shellfish)

Interesting facts:
-Drew Brees: Men want him, men want to be him. So women should back the fuck off
-As usual Brees has more weapons then a ninja. WHICH HE IS. Big points repeat, callin it.


Atlanta Falcons: Boggling amount of talent for a disappointing team. Atlanta should put it all together nicely this year.
Interesting Facts:
-Falcons spelled backwards is snoclaf. CONSPIRACY? no I'm just lazy and tired right now.


Carolina Panthers:
Which State is this team in? Who is the number 1 running back on this team? Will Jimmy Clausen suck? The answers: Who gives a fuck, whichever one i draft in fantasy, and god i hope so.

Interesting facts:
-The team is actually in North Carolina
-No one cared about the previous fact
-If you say people from North Carolina care. Your wrong because there not technically people now are they.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
This team is good for laughing at and little else.
Interesting facts:
-I guess the pirate ship thing is pretty sweet. 12 WINS!

PREASEASON break down EXPLOSION NFC east

(Eagles fan moments before throwing beer at sick children from make a wish foundation for being on his field)

Philadelphia Eagles:
How ever good the Eagles are this year Eagles fans don't deserve it. Even if Kolb goes blind and the entire defense is blighted with Leprosy it it will be to good for them. Nothing personal just your general scumminess.

Interesting facts:
-You know your favorite pet that died  unexpectedly when you were a kid? An eagles fan killed it.
-Eagles fans made Donovan Mcnabb apologize for the housing market crash.
("radical!")

Ze Football Giants:
The G men move to a new field. Good thing? NO its still in New Jersey. Expect to be robbed every time you go to the bathroom. Or at least mildly irritated by everyone around you

Interesting facts:
-Someone harvest Archie Manning's sperm quick! (then throw out every baby that comes out looking like Eli)






Washington Redskins:
I like Mcnabb so its a shame he plays for the Redskins. I guess that's it. Bad team washed up Quarter back, that's a recipe for success only the hardest of football stomachs are willing to digest

Interesting facts:
-redskins is only a racist team name if you are an Indian. And  whens the last time you met one of them? Besides if nothing else they're good sports. (You thought we were being serious with that treaty didn't you!?)

(sexotropolis)
Dallas Cowboys:
Thank god Jerry Jones built his super mega huge trillion dollar sex fortress. A regular stadium could not contain the annual disappointment that is the cowboys. But if anyone can handle tough playoff loss its the cowboys. Jerry Jones will just take everyone out for gold plated hookers and steaks

Interesting Facts:
- You can draw a direct correlation between the fact that cowboys are "Americas Team" and the rise in domestic terrorism.

PRESEASON breakdown EXPLOSION AFC south

Tennessee Titans- CHRIS JOHNSON

-CHRIS JOHNSON

-CHRIS JOHNSON

    (Is it even close? if ur gay or drafted Schaub on your fantasy team its not. And if both, well im gonna assume your already jerking it)

Houston Texans- Whos sexier? Easy question, Matt Schaub and the Texans offense. Andre Johnson is the best receiver in football. Texans will start slow with the running game. Then there gonna sex it up with the long ball all day(extra point=money shot?) and Who gives a fuck about their defense?(I don’t)

-If you have an erection your not the only one

-if your erection isn’t from the schaub picture you are the only one (right guys!.... I mean right?)

  (don't worry we will!)

Jacksonville Jaguars I'll keep analysis short. Some points will be scored. All of them by MJD. No one will watch.

- Nothing interesting has happened here since the Brunell days.

Indianapolis Colts: Everyone knows Peyton manning is gonna throw a billion touchdowns from a cloud and the colts will go to the play offs and we’ll all remark about how damn funny his commercial are and what a  nice guy he is. (all true id hug him). So what I will talk about is why the fuck does this city have a football team? For Christ's sake this team used to be based in Baltimore. Believe me I'm not heralding the civic accomplishments of Baltimore. Baltimore's like  Mordor just with less culture. But at least it’s a goddamn city, it’s a port, has a large population, and isn’t just a fucking rest stop for truckers or people who happen to need a bathroom.  To be fair Why does Green Bay have a team? But at least there’s football  history there.  I dare someone not from Indiana to name something of value in that city that’s not the colts or a steak and shake. Unless someone actually does correct me case closed( unlikely as I'm eliminating the comment bar. Game set match) on the one hand maybe I'm just ignorant of the situation. On the other hand fuck Indianapolis

-Indiana is the first collection of off highway McDonald's to be recognized as a state.

PRESEASON breakdown EXPLOSION AFC west

Denver Broncos: The Broncos traded up to draft their one true savior, and this year Tim Tebow arrived on a cloud of pure abstinence  to uplift Denver and smite their enemies. He’s not starting and the qb situation in Denver is well established so what hes gonna do I'm not sure exactly. But you can bet it wont involve sex. But seriously while the Tebow thing is funny and just makes Josh McDaniel's look like more of a douche, Veteran do-ok’er kyle Orton is leading the Broncos on offense with a solid defense behind him. We all remember there early 8-0 run and who can forget McDaniels fist pumping his way down the sidelines like an assholehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vIOBUFRVkg. But Barring Tebow summoning a horde of angels on game day the Broncos can expect an ok season but will surely finish behind the Chargers

-    Orton's dad never took the time teach his son how to shave. That should make you sad

 

Kansas city Chiefs: Matt Cassel and the chiefs are not really a force to be reckoned with but they do have a few curiosities about them. For example, what are Cassel and the offense  capable in there second year together? There were high expectations for Cassel but he had no support around him. They won a few games down the stretch that would make you expect some more out of the team this year. Some players at the skill positions have shown some potential and there is the possibility that this team might be interesting this year. But the defense is nothing special and call me a apart from the chance to beat the raiders twice there is no real reason for the chiefs not to kill themselves.

-the Chiefs Raiders rivalry is considered one of the most heated in football. Well maybe. I don’t watch this game and I don’t think anyone else does either.

The Chargers: Led by world class douche bag Phillip Rivers the Chargers will try once again to fulfill their organizational destiny. Hilariously disappointing playoff losses. But there annoying faux-hick fuck face of  a quarterback aside this has been a fun team as of late. The offense is exciting  even without Vincent Jackson. and the defense has been more than enough to lock up four straight divisional titles.  And they avoid winning in the playoffs only because I imagine they want to keep the edge and motivation only losing can provide. The chargers will probably decline slightly this year. Vincent Jackson refuses to play until his demands are met. Sources close to NFL chuckles state he has placed his desired salary at a krillions billions dollars. The Chargers insistence that such a number does not exist have fallen on deaf ears.  But there are so many targets on this team and Antonio Gates alone, being the genetic mistake that he is, could probably carry this team by himself. There is no real threat to the Chargers in this division and they win it. Just maybe with the Broncos a little closer than usual.

-Phillips Rivers is like Hitler only worse

-Rookie running back Ryan Matthews looks great as L.T.’s replacement. But if hes not gonna wear the visor, then fuck him.

 (Al Davis and family)

Oakland Raiders: This year the team from the city that gave us the black panthers , poverty, and something to make San Francisco feel better about itself will try to compete in a meaningful way. The first step was to let go of Jamarcus Rusell and put someone behind center who can wrap their mind around the concept of the forward pass. Not to say that Al Davis doesn’t have some other retarded scheme up his old scary sleeves. I'm not going to pretend to know the raiders draft picks, but I would find it hard to believe Al Davis has let go of his ‘draft players based solely on their 40 time’ policy. So don’t be surprised If you see a jack rabbit wearing the silver and black on Sunday(makes more sense than Russel). The Raiders won’t be quite as bad this year, but they will still suck. Just to a lesser degree.  AND THAT’S BIG NEWS IN OAKLAND

-Just because I've never been to Oakland doesn’t make me any less right when I say it sucks.

-Unless there fans are gonna riot this team shouldn’t get much attention this year. But I'm not sure there has been anything left to destroy in Oakland since the 80's so that seems pretty unlikely.

PRESEASON break down EXPLOSION AFC north

("bitches and shit")

Cincinnati Bengals:

The Bengals were a big surprise last year. They functioned well on both sides of the ball, and were fun to watch. Success is rare in Cincinnati because they really don’t win anything ever. What boggles my mind most about this team is how many douschbags they manage to stuff onto one roster. Benson is an asshole (i bet). The only thing I took away from Hard Knocks last year is that Palmer is a dick, and Ochocino is just too fucking dumb. I know hes entertaining and good hearted but holy fucking shit!! Terell Owens will be right at home
-The Bengals come in second for the prestigious best team in Ohio Award!

-Sorry Browns I was implying Ohio State is the best.

-Also isn’t Cincinnati University pretty good? Probably third best.

 

Baltimore Ravens: This is an old fashioned smash mouth, hard running, hard chargin team this guy could be proud of.  The Ravens just seem to be getting better. Flaccos putting it together, but hell he doesn’t need to. Ray Rice is a total killer. But not a real one, that team title still belongs to Ray Lewis. (remember he killed those two guys.  Then he did a subway commercial, pretended to convert to Christianity and we all forgot? Well know you remember) The defense on this team is of course still good. They cannot be run on or thrown on. I recommend opposing teams be conservative and knee( me and the guy above consider punting foreign and dangerously elaborate)

-Seriously he killed two guys

-Baltimore is often called by its nicknames “charm city” or the more popular “lets just drive around it”

(downtown cleaveland shortly after Lebron went to Miami)

Cleveland Browns- Theres no town like Cleveland. The city on the lake, Ol rusty.  Nowhere else outside Chernobyl can you find so many abandoned buildings and errant radiation. You have to admire the people of this fair wasteland. There known for there blue color work ethic and tendency to break down and sob intermittently throughout the day. When they get the free time from scowering this lunar wasteland for food or suicide, citizens of Cleveland can watch the Browns. Apparently many years ago the Browns were relevant. Then again so was this city(ive been told). Those days are just myth now. This team is going to take a long time to get good. I would actually rather not continue writing. This is making me sad

-When there is a rainbow in Cleveland it usually chokes on smog and dies.

-Every year santa forgets to go to Cleveland

-With the disappearance of a certain basketball player Cleveland has had to resort to its pre lebron economy. Selling barnacles and teeth to North Korea

 (get your rape face on!)

Pittsburgh Steelers: The only thing you need to know about the Steelers is that everyone hates them. If you didn’t know this you are a steelers fan and should go fuck yourself. On the very small chance you are a Pittsburgh fan and actually reside in Pittsburgh you have my apologies. But to the horde of confused unrelenting fucks who root for this team when they have no right to, go die. 8-8 they are not beating Cincinnati or Baltimore.

-seriously go fucking kill yourself

-roethlisberger does not rape bitches the same way he does not win games. HE MANAGES GAMES! AND HE MANAGES RAPE!

PRESEASON breakdown EXPLOSION NFC west

We of course start with the gridiron jizzfest that is the nfc west. So sit back and enjoy good analysis of bad teams.

 Seattle Seahawks: this year expect mediocrity to burst forth from the city of coffee and rainy mopey weirdo’s. The seahawks will provide little worth watching with the exception of possibly another matt hasslebeck myoplex commerciahttphttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP9iuyBjvbU. Of course Pete carol innocently  leaped out of the soon to explode USC football program to non chalantly ask the seahawks what they were doing. Are Pete Carols boyish-oldish good looks enough to turn around this grungy hipster excuse for a football team? Of course not. But hey it’s the nfc west and if Seattle fans pray real hard to the god who hates them they just might earn a first round playoff loss.

Interesting facts:

-Seattle didn’t invent coffee but they made it gay.

-The Seahawks are apparently talking to hold out wide receiver Vincent Jackson, but if they were the type of organization to spend money on  good players they wouldn’t suck

-not many interesting facts about the Seahawks

Arizona Cardinals: revolving door of miracle feel good stories Kurt Warner has left the cardinals. Apparently he dematerialized and ascended into heaven.  Unfortunately that means the offensive weapons  of the cardinals are now placed in the trembling clammy hands of world class fuck up Matt Leinart. He might improve this year with confidence from the coaching staff, and a new bro hat. Unlikely but I could chuck an oblong pineapple within 100 feet of Larry Fitzgerald and he’d probably come down with it. Tim Hightower and beanie wells should provide a good running attack more then capable of ramming through whatever defensive drywall the teams of the NFC west put up. All the same an unimpressive defense leads me to believe that, honestly who gives a fuck about this division? Picking a winner is like choosing your favorite Nazi. (mines Goebbels)

Interesting fact(s)

-The cardinals used to be based in Chicago, but left in the 60’s when they were strong armed out by mayor Daley so there facilities could be used as a dumping ground for secretly killed beatniks. Also they were  a terrible franchise

St. Louis Rams: This year the rams will be more then willing to cruelly hitch the entire weight of their awful organization to the broad shoulders of Steven Jackson. He is a beast, and manages to put up good numbers while being a part of a team who's name is synonymous with futility.  What this means is that if Steven Jackson were on any other team he would have converted to pure mana long ago. Instead his knees will snap off about week 10 due to criminal overuse by his slave driving handlers. In every other position the rams have fielded a team of corpses who would only blush with excitement if I devoted time to insulting them.

-the worst team in the worst division in football

-hey they won that super bowl remember?

(i see your soul)

San Francisco 49ers:

The Niners have the unfortunate knack for having Alex Smith as their quarterback. But expectations are so high that I even feel optimistic about Alex smith and his hilariously tiny hands. As long as he can grip the ball and hurl it indiscriminately in the right direction someone from the Niners might be able to do something with it. Frank Gore is a  monster running back, and Michael Crabtree will make plays. Coach Singletary will use good olfashioned Jesus infused know how to bring some morals and ethic to the once faggified bay area team. Needless to say the defense is excellent. Which means that in the context of the division it will lord over the west like some kind of pass rushing colossus, crushing all in its path and drinking Hasslebecks blood out of Leinarts skull. 8 wins and a first round play off loss

Interesting facts

-I will probably regret endorsing this team

- Singletray spotted a pile of rags in the locker room that looked like Jesus. Good omen? I THINK YES