Sunday, September 26, 2010


We of course start with the gridiron jizzfest that is the nfc west. So sit back and enjoy good analysis of bad teams.

 Seattle Seahawks: this year expect mediocrity to burst forth from the city of coffee and rainy mopey weirdo’s. The seahawks will provide little worth watching with the exception of possibly another matt hasslebeck myoplex commerciahttp Of course Pete carol innocently  leaped out of the soon to explode USC football program to non chalantly ask the seahawks what they were doing. Are Pete Carols boyish-oldish good looks enough to turn around this grungy hipster excuse for a football team? Of course not. But hey it’s the nfc west and if Seattle fans pray real hard to the god who hates them they just might earn a first round playoff loss.
Interesting facts:
-Seattle didn’t invent coffee but they made it gay.
-The Seahawks are apparently talking to hold out wide receiver Vincent Jackson, but if they were the type of organization to spend money on  good players they wouldn’t suck
-not many interesting facts about the Seahawks

Arizona Cardinals: revolving door of miracle feel good stories Kurt Warner has left the cardinals. Apparently he dematerialized and ascended into heaven.  Unfortunately that means the offensive weapons  of the cardinals are now placed in the trembling clammy hands of world class fuck up Matt Leinart. He might improve this year with confidence from the coaching staff, and a new bro hat. Unlikely but I could chuck an oblong pineapple within 100 feet of Larry Fitzgerald and he’d probably come down with it. Tim Hightower and beanie wells should provide a good running attack more then capable of ramming through whatever defensive drywall the teams of the NFC west put up. All the same an unimpressive defense leads me to believe that, honestly who gives a fuck about this division? Picking a winner is like choosing your favorite Nazi. (mines Goebbels)
Interesting fact(s)
-The cardinals used to be based in Chicago, but left in the 60’s when they were strong armed out by mayor Daley so there facilities could be used as a dumping ground for secretly killed beatniks. Also they were  a terrible franchise

St. Louis Rams: This year the rams will be more then willing to cruelly hitch the entire weight of their awful organization to the broad shoulders of Steven Jackson. He is a beast, and manages to put up good numbers while being a part of a team who's name is synonymous with futility.  What this means is that if Steven Jackson were on any other team he would have converted to pure mana long ago. Instead his knees will snap off about week 10 due to criminal overuse by his slave driving handlers. In every other position the rams have fielded a team of corpses who would only blush with excitement if I devoted time to insulting them.
-the worst team in the worst division in football
-hey they won that super bowl remember?
(i see your soul)

San Francisco 49ers:
The Niners have the unfortunate knack for having Alex Smith as their quarterback. But expectations are so high that I even feel optimistic about Alex smith and his hilariously tiny hands. As long as he can grip the ball and hurl it indiscriminately in the right direction someone from the Niners might be able to do something with it. Frank Gore is a  monster running back, and Michael Crabtree will make plays. Coach Singletary will use good olfashioned Jesus infused know how to bring some morals and ethic to the once faggified bay area team. Needless to say the defense is excellent. Which means that in the context of the division it will lord over the west like some kind of pass rushing colossus, crushing all in its path and drinking Hasslebecks blood out of Leinarts skull. 8 wins and a first round play off loss
Interesting facts
-I will probably regret endorsing this team

- Singletray spotted a pile of rags in the locker room that looked like Jesus. Good omen? I THINK YES

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